The Wedding Pastor

Buying a new calendar and copying down birthdays and anniversaries, as well as recording future events like family reunions, school vacations, and weddings, always brings me this weird sense of joy each new year. Maybe it's my love for writing things down or maybe I feel like I'm somehow controlling my future.

Whatever the reason, as I was recording events and appointments, grinning mentally from ear to ear, I couldn't help but notice all the weddings that Richie will be officiating this summer. Maybe you've seen movies like The Wedding Singer (Hilarious! And no matter how many times I watch this show, "I Wanna Grow Old with You" still moves me to tears.) or The Wedding Planner (Matthew McConaughey is very nice to look at; he moves me in a different way.), but I'd like to suggest the next wedding blockbuster: The Wedding Pastor.

I think that most people enjoy listening to Richie teach because he inspires and challenges them by bringing new light to old (in the time-tested, not the stodgey sense) truths, by asking what the text meant for the people of that time and then giving suggestions as to what it could mean for us today. I suspect he can do this more easily than others because he lacks the years of dogmatic indoctrination that recovering fundamentalists like me have to sift through first. When our friends and family ask Richie to officiate their wedding, I'm convinced that they are thinking solely of this inspirational, challenging teaching ability.

But when it comes to Richie, you've gotta take the whole kit-n-kaboodle. For every person that wildly enjoys his teaching style, there is another person that doesn't, um...ah...appreciate it. What angers most people about Richie's teaching is that he doesn't fit things into a nice, little Christian box. He is sometimes untame and a bit vulgar when talking about things traditionally held to be "spiritual" while at the same time, taking the normal, everyday things of life and putting a spiritual spin on them.

What the wedding lovebirds fail to recognize when asking Richie to do their wedding is this "whole package" conundrum. At a wedding ceremony, he is great at making people feel welcomed and excited to be living in the moment, but he is not good at one, often underappreciated aspect of all things wedding...following a script.

No one cares about the order of service until it isn't followed correctly, and at a wedding everyone is handed a bulletin where this order is beautifully printed for all to read.

For example, Richie did a wedding for two of our good friends and forgot to give the bride away. Everyone (but Richie) knows what's supposed to happen after the greeting and opening prayer since we've been to many other weddings and, oh yeah, we all have a script in front of us. So Richie starts gabbing, Bride still holding her daddy's arm, Groom a bit annoyed that this old guy's got his woman, and this awkward tension rolls through the crowd. I think I need a Secret Service earpiece/microphone or at least a really big dry erase board to send Richie clues as to why everyone is looking around nervously.

At this same wedding Richie gave an inspiring, challenging little message, complete with props (props?) but somehow implied during his talk that the bride and groom should wear only Post-it Notes. Thankfully, we think this couple still considers us good friends, but while saying good bye, the mother of the bride, the only opinion that really matters, thanked Richie by saying that the wedding was, um, interesting.

My very favorite part, though, about Richie officiating a wedding is perhaps the most sacred part: the vows. Because he's not a script kind of guy, as I mentioned earlier, he doesn't read through what he will be saying all that closely. So we get to the vows, the time of the ceremony where the man and woman pledge their undying affection and steadfast love to each other before God and these witnesses, and this is what undoubtedly transpires:

Richie to the Bride: Do you, Jane, take Joe to be your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part?

The answer is generally "Yes" or "I do."

Then Richie to the Groom: Do you, Jane, take Joe to your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, etc.

He just cuts and pastes the vows from one section to the other without making the necessary gender changes! Again, enter awkward tension broken by nervous chuckle, all recorded by the videographer forever and ever.

These may not seem like big deals right now, but trust me, on your wedding day, on your Big Day, these Richie-isms will seem like more of a big deal.

I say this not to disrespect my wonderful, thoughtful, loving husband in any way; I just want to make sure that all of the summer lovebirds understand and are OK with the whole package theory... just like I am.